It's been awhile...
Hmm...It's been that long...
Been neglecting my blog alot these days...but hey...my first entry for the new year! :)
Happy New Year to whoever still tried to visit this almost dying blog..
It's been a whirlpool of events for me for year 2008. It zoomed by so fast that I'm still a lil hesitate to admit that 2008 is over...there's still lots to accomplish I think...
Perhaps the year 2009 can do better....
Not really in the mood today actually...
I've so much to say yet nobody wants to listen...
Should I just hide somewhere in a dark corner and cry it out and be a be stronger after it?
Perhaps perhaps...
Labels: emo, sad shite
If...
Unexpected fate found me walking behind a very familar couple yesterday....
It seems that it's been quite awhile I've seen them.
Both of them were my secondary school friends. Fate somehow brought them closer during Uni days...and they've been together ever since then.
Sweet couple really....
I saw a rose in her hand...so I reckon it might have been some special occassion...
Indeed, they were celebrating their 5th year together...going for a romantic dinner...
I've never had any sort of anniversay with him tho....humph! All his fault..
Would be nice to celebrate something some day isn't it? Brings back some good ole memories perhaps?
I'm an somewhat envious and jealous at the same time...hee...
Labels: emo, happy
Signs
I need some signs...Or are those the signs?
Labels: emo
Outsider
Today I felt like an outsider again.
Maybe I'm really not part of this family anymore.
Sigh.....
Labels: emo
Me, Myself and I?
There are days when I question myself….why is it never about me?
Perhaps I had earned myself some pretty bad karma my past life…that’s why in this lifetime, I have to pay back all my “debts”.
I had a pretty bad start with my parents this year. No idea why…but there are days when I can’t help thinking myself if I have given them too much of “myself”.
I’ve always tried to be a filial daughter. I’ve always tried to put my family above myself. I have always strive to be the independent and sensible daughter. Although I must admit I might have done some worrying things in my teenage years…I have never been rebellious…I suppose no one’s ever perfect?
Even now that I’m in my mid-twenties, I still make a point to come back for dinner every week night to make sure they dun feel abandoned or lonely now that my brother is now in the army.
I’ve always pushed aside appointments with friends or colleagues for them. Of cos I do weigh my appointments, on important occasions, I’d expect my parents to understand. But even until today if I’m not home by 10.30pm, my parents will still call to remind me that I’ve got work tomorrow. For someone of my age, I feel embarrassed sometimes…but yet…I let them be out of respect becos I know they did what they did cos they cared…
Whatever my brother does can never be compared to mine. Whenever I’m sick, I’m expected to go see doc myself, take my own medicine. Even when I help out arnd the house, I’m never appreciated. And whenever my bro need to run some errands, they’re always pronto abt it. If he needs to go somewhere, they’ll fetch him there. But when I need their help for some things to be done, they never remember….I always end up getting it done myself anyway…
When my parents accuse me of not caring enough for my brother, I was crushed. I didn’t show enough care and concern because I don’t fetch him to and fro camp? Becos I’ve dun polish his boots for him? Or becos I don’t take his medicine to him when he is ill?
What abt me when I was sick? Who cared about me? Who showered me with love and care? And who brought me to the doc every single day on my days of bell’s palsy? None of my family did…My brother didn’t even asked me if I was alright…
Was it because I’m the eldest in the family I shld understand why nobody cared? Is it because I am the big sister so I should sacrifice more for my family?
I love my brother too. But I dun believe in pampering him. Becos this will only lead him to be too dependent on others and not on himself. He will grow up to be a man someday and he will need to takecare of himself and his family. I didn’t have a big sister nor a big brother growing up, but I did ok didn’t I? I had to learn it the hard way so I expect him to do the same. He can come to me if he needs help or need someone to talk to, but in my opinion, you’ll never be able to learn if u are not given the opportunity to. I guess my parents can never understand that….
I’m really tired of thinking for others, understanding and even finding excuses for others. Why can’t I be selfish for once? Why can’t the world revolve arnd me some day…why can’t others try to understand what I want. Why can’t I do or get what I want?
I’m tired of being understanding….I’m tired of being taken for granted all the time…
What can’t it be ME?
I would really love to have my own place one day. So I can have my own rules instead of getting nagged or criticized for everything I do. I'm really tired...
When can I ever be free?
Labels: emo, sad shite
Blogging Absence
It’s been awhile…
Been really busy with work, too busy to blog and perhaps…okay…fine…I admit…I’m too lazy to blog these days…don’t know why but I just seemed to lost that spark.
With the beginning of year 2008, I found that even with a short 8 days into the new year, I seemed to have grown a lot!
Although my life is still as mundane, still a boring as ever, there are times I genuinely would like to do something different! But procrastination has always been my best pal! Perhaps I should break ties with procrastination as part of my new year resolution?
Bah…new year resolution never works! Well…at least for me! Hee…
Anyway do not fear, this blog is not abt my new year resolutions. I don’t keep them anymore since I’m not able to achieve half of them most of the time. Let this be an update to what’s been happening in my life since the dawn of 2008?
Hmm…well…one of the more important event right now would be that OML and I have decided to take the next step into our relationship. We don’t have any concrete plans as yet to be honest, we don’t really know where to start even. So we’re gonna take a step now and see what happens. Any kind advice? Haha.
I think I had quite abit to swallow with the dawn of the new year. The sudden revelation that I am really old enough to get married. And perhaps in a few years time, maternal instincts probably gonna kick in…sheesh…a lot to think abt perhaps?
My parents has been really weird these days too. Had abit of squabble with my parents on new year’s day….totally broke my heart. With my brother recently enlisted, it seems they are too overly protected….sigh...
There are just times when I feel rather lonely. Not physically but emotionally…like there’s no one else who could really understand…
Hmm…another good news. A close fren of mine is ready to pop the question! So exciting! Really happy to see that he’s found the right girl! I wish him all the best here…
Labels: emo
Parents
Parents have a somewhat a love-hate relationship to me. I love them to death simply because they are my parents, they watched me grow up from a noisy little punk to a mature young lady(fingers crossed) and showered me with unconditional love whenever I needed them.
Times when I hate them is when they don’t respect my privacy, go through my things without my permission and when they take me for granted and always expect me to give and never giving me the benefit of the doubt.
These days I’ve been quite busy and never had the time to sit down with them for a proper dinner. These days I often eat at the table alone….
Last night I went out with dad to get breakfast for this morning. When we were at the lobby, he looked into the mirror and sighed…
“Aiyoh…my hair is getting thinner and lots of white hair….”
I looked at him closely and I realized that my dad has indeed aged a lot….much as I hate to deny this…his perfect eyesight is now failing and he needs glasses now. I had the sudden urge to hug him real tightly and hope he never grows old.
I remember as a kid…when I was notti, my dad would threaten that he is dying blar blar blar…I will start wailing like nobody’s business. I have been closer to my dad since a kid. And whenever he feels unwell and stuffs, he will say those funny things and make me cry. I think he has a sadistic way of finding out if I cared…LOL…
Anyway, as a kid, my number one “dream” was to grow up, be a doctor/inventor and come up with some sort of immortality pill for my parents so they can live forever! Well, that didn’t go very well as u can see…I’m neither a doctor nor an inventor now, only a common striving employee like all others.
As much as I hate to admit it…. my parents will one day leave me and my brother…..I dread the day I have to face that…but life is life…whatever that has to come has to come….
I’m just not looking forward to that day….
Labels: emo, thots
A Good Day
Today I'm officially quarter century old
plus 1.
I'm starting to dislike the idea of a plus one every year...but hey...I suppose no one can run away from it?
Perhaps one day I'll be forever 25....(giggles)
Had lotsa well wishes this morning, really warmed me up despite the cold morning rain....
This year I must say that I've gone through quite abit. Some good, some bad experiences but I guess it has made me a stronger person by far.
Thanks to all for their well wishes...Although I don't normally receive lotsa pressies but the few pressies I received from my closer peepz this year are all somewhat well thot of...heee...
But the greates gift of all has got to be.....
I'll post a picture once I get home...Hee...
Keep the suspense going yar?Muahahahahaha....
Labels: emo, happy, thots
Love Pains
Heard a terrible news last night. A very close girlfriend of mine broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years….
She’s been assigned to Japan for work for a year. It’s been only a couple of months and this is the result. It’s sad because they’ve been almost a model couple for most of us. True that they may have their own issues and stuffs…but which couple doesn’t? But for the fact that distance was the ultimate push just makes me wonder if things could have been better?
To her it seems like a great opportunity to work overseas for awhile and experience a different lifestyle. To him, he wasn’t too keen with the idea but relented at her eagerness. In the end, they succumb to- DISTANCE.
I know exactly how she feels because I’ve been through the same before. I lost a great friend, a great companion and a great soul mate as a result of distance. But unlike her, I didn’t have that too many choices then. I had to. It was a regrettable decision then but there weren’t many choices to begin with. Giving up love seemed the best option then, as least for me.
Because of what I went through, I was concerned that she understand the result of her decision and not regret in future. She wasn’t too ready to talk yet I suppose, so I didn’t want to pursue much further. All she divulged was-
we have more issues going on than just distance.
Distance was probably not the cause. But in my opinion,
Absence is most likely the culprit, and if not, a trigger as a result of distance.
Which is why, as much as I wanted to, I didn’t leave SG to pursue a career in Aussie. I didn’t want to lose OML the same way again. But I guess men being men, he didn’t see it as a form of sacrifice, he saw it rather, as a fact of life, that a couple should never be separated…
Going back, both of them could roughly tell what was on the menu when she boarded the plane. But they took their chances and made a decision, praying that perhaps things would go a different way.
But when love gets too painful to bear, is giving up the best medication?
Labels: emo, sad shite
Will I recover?
It's been 3 and a half weeks since that dreadful
discovery.
Good thing is I've had quite abit of improvements since. But yet every morning I wake up and look myself in the mirror, I seem to find myself looking at a stranger. A stranger who looks alot like me yet it's not exactly me...
My lips is still looking weird. I still have a crooked smile...almost as if I've got cleft lip or something...and my eyebrow is still a lil off...
My dad commented something to me today...he said..."You face looks different..."
Sigh...how appropriate...I know he didn't mean it...but I guess he was a tad insensitive...he might as well call me a freak perhaps?
As much as I try to deny sometimes...I cannot help but feel that he is somehow right. I really dun look quite the same as before. I'm just worried that things might never improve...and I'm gonna be stucked like this for the rest of my life...
My right face still looks "lose". It's almost as if I've had botox on the left side of my face and not on my right.
It's depressing...I've tried thinking positively about this....but it still haunts me again and again....
I can't hide from the mirror forever...
Labels: emo, thots, work shite
Appreciation is.....
Ap·pre·ci·a·tion (ə-prē'shē-ā'shən) ~ n.
1. Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.
2. A judgment or opinion, especially a favorable one.
3. An expression of gratitude.
4. Awareness or delicate perception, especially of aesthetic qualities or values.
5. A rise in value or price, especially over time.
(courtesy of
www.dictionary.com)
I just got OML a pairs of Oaks in preparation and celebration of his lasik op. Although it burnt a huge hole in my pocket...it's worth it for him. :)
My OML is a man of few words...actions even...lol...so..I'm not exactly sure if he likes it. I hope he does thou...
So when was the last time u showed your appreciation towards someone special?
Hmm...if it's been more than 3 months...I'd suggest maybe u'll do something todae! SO get your ass up and show them your lurvveee....or your appreciation of them for being there yar?
Now if u'd excuse me...I'll need to go save some money for my own wishlist too! Been doing quite abit of online browsing lately...heehee...a girl's gotta show herself some appreciation for being so brave through the rd to recovery?
Heh...the reasons girls gives themselves to justify for some retail therapy...wahahahahaha
Labels: emo, happy, thots
Emo Elmo
I have a new nick today....
I'm now Emo Elmo.....courtesy of OML.
He reckons I get affected by what others do or say too personally.
I totally agree....I'm letting Mr Lamer really get the better of me. I couldn't sleep the whole of last night cos of his stupid work ethnics.
I shall not let him get into the way of my recovery.
I.Must.Resist.
Labels: emo, work shite
Rd to recovery....
First of all...
A big thank you to those who have been so encouraging throughout this Bell's Palsy incident. Thanks for all your care and concern throughout. *huge hug*
I'm happy to announce things are slowly picking up...
1)I can close my eyes to sleep now without taping it
2)I can chew abit more
3)I can attempt a weak smile now :)
Although my cheeks are still a lil heavy and I can't raise my brow still...but the doc was happy to see my improvements thus far...
Weird as it may seem, I should be getting all happy about my recovery, but perhaps with some turn of events, I found myself feeling depressed again.
*shrugs* Too much of a thinker I suppose...
I just feel like staying in a corner and hide myself up....away from everything!
Labels: emo, work shite
Pain
Today's accupunture session was painful. I teared.
Dunno if it's cos OML is not here with me today or that needle was much longer today.
The doc was impressed I didn't cry out, cos she said to me " Wah, you're very brave, I would have cried out."
I found her statement funny because I thot such statements were usually for kids, u know to encourage them and make them feel better. It's feels a little funny to hear her saying these things to me...a lady in her mid-twenties.
But what she didn't know...I teared when she left...it was really painful today. In fact they have become more painful with each session. I wonder if that's a good thing.
Sigh...there's still 5 more sessions to go the least...
Why must shite always happen to me?
Labels: emo, thots, work shite
Update 2
It is times like these when I know I need comfort, care and concern and that support to pull through this.....
Instead, my parents havent been really supportive of the whole episode. Why? I think it's because they take my independence too much for granted that they expect me to handle everything myself.
The truth is, I'm kinda disappointed. Disappointed in the way they look at things in my perspective.
When I had felt something amiss last wednesday, they sorta dismissed it. Only when OML saw me he realised that perhaps a doctor's attention is needed. I didn't quite think of anything myself initially was because of my parents. The fact that they didn't see the severity of it.
Anyway, if not for OML, perhaps my face would have been alot serious? And he was the one who persuaded me to go for accupunture. Even his parents showed more concern towards me than mine. I must say that somehow, I'm disappointed by how my parents took this whole episode. If something like that happened to my brother, I'm sure they would have sought for the best doctors or specialist even? But for me, I'm supposed to do it all by myself, even when I'm the one who is supposed to be feeling all down and traumatized by what's happening. I don't mean to doubt their love for me, but I think they take my independence too much for granted.
OML has been the one by my side all these while, trying to accompany me to the accupunture sessions which I dun exactly look forward to. If he hadn't been there, I don't know if I could persist on. My parents havent even gone on one session with me even to the doctor and they still have the cheek to come nag me abt this. Telling me I shouldn't be bathing when I come home late at night blar blar and then sleeping in the air con because this is what happened etc etc.
I seriously don't need all these right now. I'm already saddened so much by this whole Bell's Palsy thing and yet they cannot be more sensitive to what I'm going through? I look like a freak for god's sake now! What else do they want from me? What comfort can they give me?
I just needed to get all these off my chest. It really hurts. The only solitude of comfort I can find now is OML. I think he is the only one who understands what I am going through right now.
He won't be able to accompany me for the next few accupunture sessions because he has a job to keep...he can't do this for me everyday....I do understand.
I just have to be strong for now I suppose...not for anyone else but for him and myself.
Road to recovery will not be easy...I'll need to have a lil more faith....
Labels: emo, tupid things, work shite
Update
Thank you to all that have shown their concerns to me.
Unfortunately I'm still unable to move my right face.
Been feeling total crap these days...feel absolutely like a freak.
Tried out accupunture last Sat. It was scary having needles arnd my faces and my hands.
Not only had I have needles sticking out of my face, they had electric current go through them too. It was a really really weird feeling....
After which the physician even tried to put some herbs on the needles and sorta burn them through into my skin. I don't know how exactly it was done because for one, I had my eyes closed and two, it was out of my vision. All I could feel is a heat rush into the back of my face and smell of burning matchsticks.
It wasn't a good experience at all but I don't think I had a choice. I'm going for my second session today this afternoon. The physician did say I will not see any results so soon. It takes abt 10 sessions or so to recover? I can only hope.
I have spoken to my MD this morning and he has graciously allowed me to work from home till I fully recover. I had only expected working from home for a week. Well, we'll see what's the status of my recovery I suppose....
As much as I tried to look at this positively....I dread waking up every morning to see the same freak face. And still not being able to move much even till today. Feeling depressed about the whole thing. Never understand why this has to happen to me. Mostly I'm concerned if I will suffer any side effects after? Studies have shown that some percentage of the people do even after recovery.
I really can't do much except pray that this whole episode will end soon with a full recovery.
Just so that you're aware,
1. Never sit too close the air conditioner till u can feel the air blowing.
2.Should u have an flu, always be careful to takecare and never let it go untreated. Flu can also cause Bell's Palsy should u aggrevate it causing inflammation.
Whatever it is, you should always takecare of yourself constantly! And I mean CONSTANTLY! Never take your health for granted!
Labels: emo, tupid things, work shite
^&%$!@#!$*@&#
I'm sorry but I couldn't find a better title today.
The right side of my face is temporarily paralysed. The right term here could be Bell's Palsy if my research is done correctly.
Totally feel like shit and looking like a freak! The doc said it could be cold air that is constantly blowing on my face that could have resulted in this.
Not even a year I have been working in this office and I've had like 2 totally unusual illness so far...
Okay..maybe is not the right word here...but at least unusual to me. I mean..What are the odds?!!!!????
The ear infection thingy which caused the imbalance in my ears was a result of my flu not recovering well. I couldn't recover because the moment I stepped into the office, my nose get clogged up again.
And now...the freaking cold air cold blowing on my face resulted in Bell's palsy! I simply cannot believe my luck in this.
Either the fengshui isn't too good at my spot or it's a sign that perhaps this is not the right job for me.
I'm feeling totally crappy abt it but yet I can't do much expect pray I can get better. Otherwise the doc did say acupunture is the next solution but I just dun like the idea of needles sticking in my face.
ARRGGHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Labels: emo, tupid things, work shite
Choice
I have made either a smartest or stupidest decision today.
I have decided to stay put in my current company.
I was in a dilemma awhile back because of what I'm doing right now. Clearing "shite" on a daily basis.
So, I went ahead and went on selective interviews few months back. There was this one that I was considering but their interview cycle took a loooonnng time until I didn't think I made it.
An sms came in last week to offer me a really attractive package with this company.
I was impressed and at the same time knocking myself on the head.
Reason?
As I mentioned
here about my current predicament, I had sorta promised my MD that I will be staying till end of this assignment to see what the company has in store for me.
So having this sms come at this time really sets a big dilemma upon me. I even had sleepless these days. If I hadn't promised anything, I would have said yes to this position immediately!But...there's always a but.
And being a typical typical libran....it's just so difficult for me to weigh the pros and cons!
Y must I be a blardey LIBRAN?Dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!*pulls hairs and screams*
Anyways..*ahem, regaining my composure*, it was a tough choice but I made it.
I made a promise and I'm going to keep it because it speaks alot abt my integrity and my character. At least until July when this assignment ends. If I still don't see anything "productive" coming my way...I will scoot.
The offer is really attractive you know...sigh....
I pray it is a smart choice.
Labels: emo, work shite
Whiney
I am whiney today so excuse me....
I'm feeling like a MAN lately.
Every lunch I take orders, serve and pay.
Even OML doesn't do it all the time.
I.think.I.need.some.pampering.badly.
Need.to.feel.like.a.lady.again!
Labels: emo, tupid things
When is too much?
Lately I’ve been blog surfing for quite abit….I came across some interesting blogs and noticed that while some people like to keep their life story open with pictures of themselves, their friends and family, some others, like myself, prefer to be blogging anonymously, yet sharing some parts of their personal life.
Internet has indeed brought communication to a whole new level. Now we have tools like MSN, Yahoo Messenger etc to maintain communication with your friends and family and not forgetting internet telephony, bringing people from different parts of the world closer and at the same time lowering call charges in-between.
Now as internet brought people closer, blogging is another alternative to allow others to read, understand and even see what u have been up to. Some people have even used the blog idea to start setting up their own internet business.
Now with the vast overload of information available through the internet so easily, should we feel vulnerable? Vulnerable in the sense that people might take advantage of, for the plain fact that our lives is such an open book now?
So when is information too much? Mentioning your name? Talking about your lifestyle and the people u hang around with? Pouring your heart out? Or is the posting of your pictures online the ultimate? And does your blog really reflects who u really are or is it only a mask for u to show the world who u want to be seen as?
I came across a few blogs that sorta intrigued me. Intrigued because they seemed to share certain interests of mine or perhaps the kind of lifestyle that I’d liked to have. But the question lies…do I really know who they are? Should I judge them based on their blogs or can I initiate a friendship based on that? Will that friendship blossom or last?
Perhaps I’m being skeptical, perhaps I’m being cautious…but perhaps…..I should.
Can u tell who I really am and what I'm thinking now by reading this?*wink*
Labels: emo, thots
