It's been awhile...
Hmm...It's been that long...
Been neglecting my blog alot these days...but hey...my first entry for the new year! :)
Happy New Year to whoever still tried to visit this almost dying blog..
It's been a whirlpool of events for me for year 2008. It zoomed by so fast that I'm still a lil hesitate to admit that 2008 is over...there's still lots to accomplish I think...
Perhaps the year 2009 can do better....
Not really in the mood today actually...
I've so much to say yet nobody wants to listen...
Should I just hide somewhere in a dark corner and cry it out and be a be stronger after it?
Perhaps perhaps...
Labels: emo, sad shite
Me, Myself and I?
There are days when I question myself….why is it never about me?
Perhaps I had earned myself some pretty bad karma my past life…that’s why in this lifetime, I have to pay back all my “debts”.
I had a pretty bad start with my parents this year. No idea why…but there are days when I can’t help thinking myself if I have given them too much of “myself”.
I’ve always tried to be a filial daughter. I’ve always tried to put my family above myself. I have always strive to be the independent and sensible daughter. Although I must admit I might have done some worrying things in my teenage years…I have never been rebellious…I suppose no one’s ever perfect?
Even now that I’m in my mid-twenties, I still make a point to come back for dinner every week night to make sure they dun feel abandoned or lonely now that my brother is now in the army.
I’ve always pushed aside appointments with friends or colleagues for them. Of cos I do weigh my appointments, on important occasions, I’d expect my parents to understand. But even until today if I’m not home by 10.30pm, my parents will still call to remind me that I’ve got work tomorrow. For someone of my age, I feel embarrassed sometimes…but yet…I let them be out of respect becos I know they did what they did cos they cared…
Whatever my brother does can never be compared to mine. Whenever I’m sick, I’m expected to go see doc myself, take my own medicine. Even when I help out arnd the house, I’m never appreciated. And whenever my bro need to run some errands, they’re always pronto abt it. If he needs to go somewhere, they’ll fetch him there. But when I need their help for some things to be done, they never remember….I always end up getting it done myself anyway…
When my parents accuse me of not caring enough for my brother, I was crushed. I didn’t show enough care and concern because I don’t fetch him to and fro camp? Becos I’ve dun polish his boots for him? Or becos I don’t take his medicine to him when he is ill?
What abt me when I was sick? Who cared about me? Who showered me with love and care? And who brought me to the doc every single day on my days of bell’s palsy? None of my family did…My brother didn’t even asked me if I was alright…
Was it because I’m the eldest in the family I shld understand why nobody cared? Is it because I am the big sister so I should sacrifice more for my family?
I love my brother too. But I dun believe in pampering him. Becos this will only lead him to be too dependent on others and not on himself. He will grow up to be a man someday and he will need to takecare of himself and his family. I didn’t have a big sister nor a big brother growing up, but I did ok didn’t I? I had to learn it the hard way so I expect him to do the same. He can come to me if he needs help or need someone to talk to, but in my opinion, you’ll never be able to learn if u are not given the opportunity to. I guess my parents can never understand that….
I’m really tired of thinking for others, understanding and even finding excuses for others. Why can’t I be selfish for once? Why can’t the world revolve arnd me some day…why can’t others try to understand what I want. Why can’t I do or get what I want?
I’m tired of being understanding….I’m tired of being taken for granted all the time…
What can’t it be ME?
I would really love to have my own place one day. So I can have my own rules instead of getting nagged or criticized for everything I do. I'm really tired...
When can I ever be free?
Labels: emo, sad shite
Love Pains
Heard a terrible news last night. A very close girlfriend of mine broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years….
She’s been assigned to Japan for work for a year. It’s been only a couple of months and this is the result. It’s sad because they’ve been almost a model couple for most of us. True that they may have their own issues and stuffs…but which couple doesn’t? But for the fact that distance was the ultimate push just makes me wonder if things could have been better?
To her it seems like a great opportunity to work overseas for awhile and experience a different lifestyle. To him, he wasn’t too keen with the idea but relented at her eagerness. In the end, they succumb to- DISTANCE.
I know exactly how she feels because I’ve been through the same before. I lost a great friend, a great companion and a great soul mate as a result of distance. But unlike her, I didn’t have that too many choices then. I had to. It was a regrettable decision then but there weren’t many choices to begin with. Giving up love seemed the best option then, as least for me.
Because of what I went through, I was concerned that she understand the result of her decision and not regret in future. She wasn’t too ready to talk yet I suppose, so I didn’t want to pursue much further. All she divulged was-
we have more issues going on than just distance.
Distance was probably not the cause. But in my opinion,
Absence is most likely the culprit, and if not, a trigger as a result of distance.
Which is why, as much as I wanted to, I didn’t leave SG to pursue a career in Aussie. I didn’t want to lose OML the same way again. But I guess men being men, he didn’t see it as a form of sacrifice, he saw it rather, as a fact of life, that a couple should never be separated…
Going back, both of them could roughly tell what was on the menu when she boarded the plane. But they took their chances and made a decision, praying that perhaps things would go a different way.
But when love gets too painful to bear, is giving up the best medication?
Labels: emo, sad shite
