K for Komplexity...

Break Point

I finally broke down today on my way home today. Twice in fact. Once when I left the office, on my way to Orchard and another on the train back home.

I was frustrated with work today and I felt really helpless.

The project was finally over but the issues that came soon after seemed never ending. I had thought I could cope, but I guess I was wrong. I was frustrated because those were things that were not handled by me. But at the end of the day, I had to be judged based on that. Was that even fair?

After a tiresome week, I guess I finally gave in to the sense of helplessness.

Sometimes I wonder if my helplessness was due to my lack of knowledge of the system or was it my lack of assertiveness when I handle my own team-mates and my users.

I guess I was upset at the fact that there was so many things I had to do within such a short time frame and there was just too many things to be handled all at once. I was really disappointed at myself actually. There were issues that weren’t too difficult to solve, but because I wasn’t the one handling it, it was tougher.

My current team-mates are a disappointing bunch. They aren’t as cooperative as the batch before and everyone’s trying to pin point the responsibility to someone else when there’s a problem or when there’s work to be done.

Things went a lil worse when I got news that my direct mentor will be leaving in a month’s time. Which means I will be the only one left for my module. With limited amount of experience, am I expected to fill her role?

With such demanding customers/end-users, I’m really skeptical about me being able to fill the post.

It was kinda farnie in a way to drop tears today because I thought I was stronger than that. I mean, I’ve really endured through the whole hell project. But sitting at the noisy MOS burger place, I couldn’t help but feel that loneliness and helplessness I felt the entire day. It reminded me of a scene in Titanic where Kate Winslet was with her mum and fiance at the cruise ship’s restaurant, where she felt so out of place and so strangled by the atmosphere that she couldn’t breathe.

I felt like that at dinner time today. Everyone was talking, the noise was somehow amplified and having the seats so close to each other didn’t help.

OML tried to cheer me up today. But somehow I felt even more detached. I felt he couldn’t understand me and he didn’t know how to make my day better. I felt worse when I couldn’t find solace in him. Could it be that I had expected too much or perhaps he wasn’t trying hard enough? I don’t know what I’m feeling right now…except I’m at my lowest point.

I don’t know what to feel anymore. I’m numb.

Blabbered by KaiRiNu at 12:22 PM