K for Komplexity...

Numb

Sometimes I’ll have to admit that blogging has become more of less a part of me. Not that I cant sleep or something when I don’t blog, but I’ll try to blog whenever I have the time.
The truth is, I sometimes use blogging as a form of expressing my frustrations, my anxieties, my happiness etc etc…But I seriously wun call it private because it simply is not. I mean, it’s published in the internet for Christ sake, how private can that be?
Honestly, I don’t really write very intimate stuffs here or things that I feel might often some pple by mistake or whatsoever. But somehow, it does help flushing out some thots of mine to the open. It’s like this “mind-bank” thing that I can just put some of my thots in here, save it and perhaps read it like when I’m 50? Lol…
I’m not very sane now to be honest, I’m tired, sleepy and in some ways, bored. Like I said, my brain’s virtually in standby-mode now. I can’t even put words into what or how I’m feeling rite now. Perhaps the word numb best describes it? Yeah…NUMB!
I’m just numb of days passing, numb of work, numb with the fact that I’m getting older and older by the year and still having doubts about my future.
Well, I’m a thinker, so sometimes I really can’t help but feeling that I’d rather think through certain scenarios rather than simply letting it happen and start regretting if anything went wrong.
I’ll think about my job, think about my parents, think about my relationship and recently, I’ve started thinking about marriage. Yes, perhaps my cuckoo/bio/hormonal (wateva) clock is ticking or something, but I can’t hide the fact that I’m starting to realize that with my birthday drawing in Sept, I’m turning 24. And at this age, it is theoretically a suitable age for marriage.
Thinking back to the days when I was at that age where love and marriage seemed such wonderful ideas, my peers and I actually felt that getting married at 24 or 25 was something that we all looked forward to. In fact, it was more like a decision that was so casually decided then.
But through the years of my fair share of heartbreaks, tv dramas, experiencing life and understanding the true meaning of human interaction, I’ve actually have this sudden apprehension about getting married at this age, or even the idea of getting married.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to get married, have kids and a family, it’s just the path towards these ideas that somehow throws me into this black hole of recurring doubts.
I’m in a relationship now and from the way I see our relationship, eventually it will lead to marriage. However I’m skeptical, not because I don’t love him or he doesn’t love me. But rather will the love pull us through marriage, staying together, paying the house together, have kids together and be good parents together. Somehow, I’m just not sure if we’re capable of that.
Marriage is not a game. As much as you need love for 2 persons to stay together, marriage requires more than love. You need a more potent concoction of commitment, patience, understanding and effective communication. A marriage will never work without these, these are vital ingredients to a happy marriage. That is exactly what I’m worried about. I’m not exactly or 100% convinced that we have enuff of that concoction to start a family.
To every woman, marriage is always a risk. Some will marry a nice family husband, some to a wife-beating husband, while some to a rich successful but commits adultery. Is there ever a perfect man? The answer is no, there will never be this perfect man. But all I’m asking is a man like my dad. He’s not rich, but he’s always nice to my mum. He’s patient with her farnie temperament sometimes, he is always patient with us. He’s funny too, but most importantly, he is a devoted family man that is faithful to my mum and our family.

Will I ever marry a man like my dad who treats me like a gem? Will my family be a happy one? Too many questions and too many doubts…I’m running again…

Blabbered by KaiRiNu at 4:25 PM